Wednesday Weakness

Today was one of "those" days.  Two separate appointments for PTSD treatment.  I'm not sure which is harder on me, the week when I go through treatment alone, or the week when Lynn is there watching and hearing me "out" my past and my pain.

It's become so draining, overwhelming, and at some points devastating, so much so that I now plan ahead with my job.  Today I scheduled myself to have half the day off work. 

In the beginning I was able to leave treatment, and return back home to work, and pick up where I left things.  I'm now in deep with treatment, and I feel when I walk out after 90 minutes or so of "therapy" that I've been hit by a truck of bad memories.  I shut down some days.  I need sleep, or just need to lay down.  My head throbs, and most days I'm hurting behind my eyes or over my left eyebrow.  I can sometimes actually smell "him" or feel pain in places in my body where he's inflicted it most.

Lynn has come a long way with this.  I tried to tell him when we first met in 1998 that I was damaged goods, that I had been through years of abuse, and that I would probably never be good relationship material.  I ran him off many times, and he kept coming back and kept coming back. 

Now that he's learning about my "triggers" and what sets off my PTSD, we're making great strides.  Communication seems to be so much easier.  I no longer feel like a fool when I need to break down and cry.  I no longer feel ashamed if he triggers me so badly that I wet my pants.  And he knows how to respond now when that happens.  It's helping.  Four years ago, I couldn't see a light, it was dark and there was no end to the tunnel.  I wanted to die.  I was hoping somehow I would accidentally.  Now, I see light.  God has taken hold, and I know I can overcome all the damage that's been done to me. 

You know, before I started treatment I wouldn't make plans.  I stopped setting goals for myself about 6 years ago when my PTSD started really taking control of me.  Now, even though it's still a fight, and even though I still have such a long way to go, I feel myself wanting to make plans for my life.  I'm making a "Bucket List" but not in reference to "things I want to do before I die", but in reference to "things I want to do because I'm taking my life back".

I slept this afternoon after both appointments, actually some would call it passed out cold.  I was down for 4 hours.  Tomorrow is a new day, and this was just another day of progress. 

Certain Times = Certain Things

There's only certain times that I feel like I can talk about certain things.  The main topic I have issue with speaking up about is being someone undergoing PTSD treatment. That's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for the few that aren't familiar.  (That's not being critical or a smartass.  I just realize that not everyone knows what those letters represent.)

I really don't even have the words for it.  It's tough.  I was first diagnosed with it many, many years ago...back in the early 90's.  I probably could have fought through it at that time, but I was much younger, wasn't sure if I believed it, and so I did what made me comfortable at the time, which was ignore it.  Let me back up.. I think I believed it, but I denied it.  I have to take accountability for that.. refusing to believe. 

But, not dealing with it is what made me experience so much more domestic abuse.  I didn't get treatment, and so I became worse, and becoming worse made me more under "his" control.  It continued for years.

I've decided I'm going to grow a backbone and blog some about my PTSD a little at a time as the nerve and urge hits me.  I'll probably jump all over the place, and you may not be able to make head nor tails of some of the things I type. That's not because I'm not trying to put it down for you carefully.  It's because my thoughts are that way when I talk about what's brought me to this place in my life to confront PTSD.  It would take me a very long time and much blogging to tell my entire story, and some of the events I'll never speak of..or haven't yet at least in treatment. Some of the things I've confronted in treatment, they just lead from one thing to another thing.  It's so strange. It feels sometimes like a tangled up mess.. one road that just jumps to another road without a yield sign.

I'm going to start slow in this blog.  I'll keep this post to how and where I actually was the first time someone said to me "you are experiencing PTSD symptoms".  Then later, I'll try to move on from there and delve in deeper in later posts.  We'll see.  I'll see. 

Ok, umm, I was in Orlando and I had already experienced a broken shoulder along with foot and head damage in a domestic violence incident.  I had under gone surgery for my shoulder, and life was continuing on and becoming more violent.  I went through 4 good beatings after the shoulder, and then a judge court ordered my spouse to be evaluated by a psyciatrist and determination of his anger would be reported back to the court system. I was allowed to attend the evaluation with him if I felt comfortable doing so, and no, I was not comfortable doing so, but "he" (the spouse) told me I was going to attend. 

The office was in downtown Orlando off the OBT a few blocks.  It was nice.  I could tell the guy was pretty experienced.  He had degrees out the ying yang all over the place, and he was probably late 40's maybe early 50's.  He had definitely seen a lot and been around the block with more than a few like "him".  We (the spouse and I) sat down side by side, and the good doctor takes a nice long look at me.  He just sat there like that for what seemed like a long time.  I know it was brief, but it seemed like he held my eyes forever.  He then looks over at "him" and says "tell me what brought you here today".  Of course, he already knew.  This was a court-ordered situation, and he had designated his entire "after lunch" schedule for this evaluation.  It was an ice-breaker. 

And off the spouse goes with his perception of why we were there.  It's hard for me to say the word "funny" when I'm talking about this, but it was almost funny listening to him talk about the abuse he put on me.  It was so surreal. I wasn't processing everything he was saying the same way someone would that was hearing it for the first time.  I really can't say what I was thinking.  I really don't know.  But let me say, this doctor sitting across from me, read me like an open book without me saying one single word. 

The spouse talked probably 30 minutes non-stop.  He's one of the most charming guys in the world when he wants to be.  And the charm was turned up full blast.  He thought he was coasting through it I could tell. 

We had gotten there at 1:00pm.  At 1:45pm dead on the clock, the shrink looks over at me, and I'll never forget this.  He says, "Amy, you and I need to spend some time together, real time, just me and you".  And then he looks over at "him", and he says "(name) I can't help you.  You don't want help.  You can say you do, but you don't.  You need much harshness to come into your life before you will want help.  I will recommend to the court that you attend Emerge for a certain period of time. I do not want you back in my office again".  He asked "him" to step out of the office for a few minutes to have a private word with me. 

And then he asked me (now don't laugh) if I had ever been hypnotized and did I know anything about hypnotism.  You know, this is when I just really started feeling crazy.  I didn't believe in anything like that.  I thought it was horse shit.  I told him I had never been subjected to it, didn't know anyone that had, and knew nothing about it and really didn't believe in it.  He tells me that he wants me back in his office the next morning at 10am alone and we'll go from there.  I didn't know what that meant. 

I thought about not going back the next morning after we drove away from there.  But "he" wasn't sure at this point if that would make things worse for "him" with the court system if I didn't show, so "he" told me I was going.

The next morning, I'm sitting back on the same little love seat in the shrink's office at 10am sharp.  We talked for a while.  The conversation flowed pretty easily.  We talked about my job.  He found it pretty interesting that I was in such a job and experiencing such violence at the same time.  We talked about my parents briefly, my family life, college, his college, what brought him to Orlando, how he got in the line of work he was in and so forth...just like two adults would do to get to know each other.  It was relaxing...he was softening me up I now realize. 

He tells me he would like to try hypnosis on me.  I let him know it would never work...I thought it was a silly idea and unbelievable that such a thing could take place.  But, he said there was nothing to lose, and he was right, so we went for it. 

It didn't start like I thought it would.  You know I pictured the swinging pocket watch.  Crazy huh?  Yes, I was young.  He got up and popped two cassette tapes into two recorders on his bookcase, rolled the little stick on the blinds to close them, and turned on two lamps and turned off the overhead lights.  He moved his chair in front of me to where his right knee lined up with my right knee and he was sitting somewhat off center but where we were lined up by our right legs.  And he basically just started talking.  There was no swinging anything in my face, no watch this or move your eyes as I do this, nothing like that.  It was a talking technique that he did that put me in some sort of state of mind that I don't remember going into.  The only thing I remember thinking to myself before I no longer had any thought about what was going on was "bring on the damn pocket watch".  

At 12:40pm I see the clock on the wall.  That's all I know.  It's 12:40pm and what in the hell has been going on since then..that's all I'm thinking.  I was doing the math.  I knew we had sat and talked while getting to know one another for a period of time, but now it's 12:40pm.  He kind of just barely touches my knee, just barely, and asks how I feel.  I felt tired, kind of lost, strange, like maybe I had dozed, but I was sitting straight up just like I had been.  That's all I knew.  He got up, turned on the overhead lights, opened the blinds, turned off the two lamps, and turned off the two recorders. 

He said he knew I would be very surprised to hear I was rather easy to hypnotize.  And he said he would like very much to work with me.  And then here's when he said it, "Amy, you are experiencing PTSD symptoms".  And then he adds, "you don't realize what they are yet, but they are there, and we need to get you past this and get you well before it gets worse."   

I was just lost.  I had no idea what that was supposed to mean for me.  Sure, he talked to me extensively about PTSD.  He told me there were different levels of severity, and basically educated me on it.  But I was still lost. 

We made another appointment for me to come back three days later on Friday.  He said he wanted to start a series of exercises with me that he felt would get the ball rolling.  Yeah, ok, whatever.  I'm lost, I'm thinking to myself.  He hands me a cassette.  He said I may want to wait until the next day to listen to it, just relax the rest of the day, take it easy, don't worry about listening to it until later. 

Wait my ass.  I got out to my car, popped the cassette in as I was backing up out of my parking space.  I was just about one block from turning onto OBT to head south when my voice came through the speakers.  I just... you know... I don't know how to say it.  I was hearing myself talk and it was bad.  What I was hearing was bad.  I jerked the car into a parking lot just down from the shrink's office and pulled the brake, let the clutch out, and just sat there..listening.  I'm not even sure what to say from here.  I can still remember hearing myself.  I still have the tape.  It was devastating.  I know I puked right outside the car...opened the door and just puked right there without even getting out of the car. 

Why say all this?  I'm sitting here now asking myself, why?  Why now?  Well, I don't know.  What I do know is the devastation I heard that day scared me so bad, I didn't return on Friday for my next appointment.  That was the worst mistake and decision I've ever made.  Bar none.  The worst mistake ever.  That man that hypnotized me probably could have spared me another 6 years of severe domestic abuse. 

And because I ignored him and ignored the fact that he said I had symptoms of PTSD, I now have it much worse today.  I've gone from probably mild to fairly severe, just by letting it scare me and not facing it. 

If I could do one thing of my choice right now, if I could stop my life, didn't have kids to raise or didn't have responsibilities that I was accountable for, if my bank account was an endless amount of money, I would be out witnessing to women on domestic violence, begging them not to be afraid to step forward for help.  I would roam the country, state to state, and talk until I had no voice left, telling women that needed help but didn't feel there was any that in fact there was a way to get help.  And then when I had talked and talked and talked every where I could talk in this country, I would move to the next country and repeat the same thing.  That's my wish, what I would want, what I pray God would give me the ability to do. 

And so... this is me and my experience with hypnotism.  No, I'm not crazy.  I just have PTSD.  I spent a little over 7 years getting beat to hell among other things that are almost unimaginable on a regular basis.  The fact that I now, after all this time, can blog about anything affiliated with those times, means I'm making great strides.  I'm moving forward. 

Hand Writing Letters? Really?

When is the last time you've written a letter by hand?  For me, I didn't realize it had been so long.  I believe the last real letter I wrote was to my husband, and I'm not sure if that was before or after we were married.  I think before.

A new girlfriend recently talked me into signing up on a web site that she helps promote. It's a "Thank a Soldier" web site.  You make a commitment to write to a different soldier each Monday.  Each week you receive a new name and address of a deployed service man or woman, and you compose your letter immediately and send it ASAP. I thought, that sounds so easy, and it's the least someone like me could do.

I received my first name last week, and I just couldn't find the words.  Then two days ago I received my 2nd name and I had not even written my first letter yet.  Tonight, I sat myself down, and wrote both.  Once I got started, it was easy.  The words came to me, and it was easy to say "thank you". 

I wish all of our Military men and women good blessings and well wishes.  I hope the letters I send are received well and bring a smile for at least just a second.

Valentine's Day & My 6th Wedding Anniversary

Today, Valentine's Day, and also my 6th Wedding Anniversary, was a really good day.  I participated this year, and I have been really excited for the upcoming day for almost 2 weeks.

Last year, as well as the year before, I barely...if at all...participated.  My hubby and I have had some rough times over the past couple of years.  I have called it quits to myself and to him on more than one occasion, but we have fought our way to this point and improvements are really taking hold, and I do believe we are going to make it. 

I suppose every marriage has its hard times.  And I suppose anything worth having is worth fighting for and holding on to.  I've learned that if there were never any struggles and each day was perfect, than you would never have any appreciation for what you've built together in your relationship. 

This morning, the minute we woke up, we exchanged gifts.  I bought hubby a new watch that has a HUGE face.  He was in desperate need of a new one.  And I bought him 2 books from the Christian bookstore on marriage building that I thought we could both read.  He could be reading one while I'm reading the other, and then we can switch up.

I also got him a really nice card and wrote a pretty lengthy message to him inside about goals I have for our relationship and what I hoped we could achieve together relationship-wise.  I think he liked that I was participating this year.  I think he nows sees that the changes and alterations he is gradually making are being rewarded and that it is making me let the "happy" break through.  I am having to make alterations as well.  It's hard.  It's not easy to trust that someone has your best interest at heart when control is what you feel the most.  I've had to trust and allow myself to be vulnerable. 

He bought me 2 charms and 1 spacer for my Pandora bracelet.  I just recently started my bracelet on my birthday.  My Mother & Father-in-law sent me birthday money for my special day in January.  I spent the money on a base Pandora silver bracelet.  I have no idea why I decided to buy a Pandora.  I never even knew about them, and I guess you could say I stumbled across Pandora by accident.  It has come to mean so much to me. 

I bought the base bracelet, and then 2 weeks afterward I made a nice sale on EBay and I took a small amount of the money and bought my first charm.  My first charm had the name "sun, moon, stars".  I'm not sure what made me pick it.  It just stood out.  I enjoyed selling an item on EBay that was from my past, something that represents pain and not only getting rid of that piece of pain, but spending a small amount on something that makes me smile.  And so my first charm went on my bracelet.  I told myself the next time I sold something (and not just any ole' something on EBay, but something that I looked at and felt pain) that I would take a small amount and buy myself my 2nd charm. 

This morning I still only had the 1 charm on my bracelet, there hasn't been an opportunity for a 2nd as of yet.  And then SURPRISE, my hubby gave my 2 beautiful charms and a spacer for them.  I was so surprised.  He picked out 2 of the cutest charms.  And the spacer is a circle of hearts.  And he gave me both a Valentine Card and an Anniversary Card.  We went out to eat at a local deli, and went to a movie.  It was a really nice day.  It's been the best anniversary we've had in a very long time.  God is playing a part.  I keep asking Him for help, and He keeps laying His hands on our marriage. 

Tomorrow, we move forward toward year 7, and I can honestly say I'm ready. It's nice to be going in the same direction.

My Favorite Treasure From The Fort

I lived briefly (too briefly) in Fort Collins, Colorado. I left there with some memories that will stay with me forever. I took away many great friendships that will last a life time, and I also left the state with a dog named “Zoe”. I have to say, she’s my prize possession from Colorado.

Zoe showed up on my property about an hour before sunset one day. That’s the first time I laid eyes on her. My guess was (at the time) she was possibly thinking about jumping a new colt that I had in the field just behind my barn. I didn’t get a good look at her. She could have passed herself off as a coyote with the way she looked at the time. She appeared starved and desperate. My friend Joshua that owned the property down the road from me had two head of cattle killed within a few days of one another just a week before.

She showed back up not long after that first day. She accidently ended up locked in the barn with me..us together..just she and I. My barn had sliding doors on each end. The main entrance slid open, you walked into a open area with stalls on each side, tack room, feed room, wash stall, and then about 40 or 50 feet at the end of that open area, another set of sliding doors that entered into pasture area.

I had the pasture sliding doors closed off and the horses locked in the pasture. My son and I had been cleaning things up and had taken off into the house to eat. Zoe had entered the barn from the main doors, and when I go back into the barn and shut the doors behind me in order to open the pasture doors and bring in the horses to feed..I see her. She looked wild and crazy. She was trying to make a decision on backing herself into a corner, jumping me, or maybe trying to run, but there was no where to go.

I knew then, she wasn’t a coyote, she was definitely a dog, a dog that didn’t seem to ever have any domestication at all. Or at least she didn’t act like it. Then, I get a really good look. She’s been burned. At first she looked sick, diseased like, then I can tell it’s not that, she’s been burnt. She’s missing probably 60 percent of her hair. She’s got holes in one side of her jaw, dried blood on the side of her face, one eye swollen shut, and I couldn’t tell what was on her legs.

I opened the door up, stood back, and she ran. Gone for days. I called my neighbor Joshua. He said shoot her on the spot next time you get her sighted. My two kiddos were young…first grade…and it was just me and the two of them. I knew he made good sense by saying that, but I wasn’t convinced that was what I wanted to do.

She came back days later. She and I went through the same scenario over and over. Me walking up on her, her running.

I started putting food out for her, but would notice she would never eat it. And as the days went by, I was gradually getting closer up on her. I decided to put cooked ground beef in a bowl in one of my empty stalls, and she went in..not really wanting to..but she did…and I shut her in. She threw a fit. She growled, she would raise her lips back and show her teeth, but one side always looked different when she did. She tried digging out, but there was nowhere to go, we were on a concrete slab. I watched her eat the ground beef, and something seemed weird about the way she would eat. And when she would go to the water trough, she would stick her whole snout in the water, no tounge lapping.

This went on for a long time, her only eating cooked ground beef, never eating any dry dog food. I would sit for hours watching her through the stall door. And eventually, I got what I wanted. I made my way in and close to her. And that’s when I see it. She’s got 15 or 20 rubberbands embedded in her two front legs because they had been on there so long. Hair was even growing over them. When she snarled at me, I caught a glimpse of barbwire in her mouth, and where she did have hair on her body, it was singed from being burnt. She even smelled burnt. She smelled almost like death.

It took days and days of effort, but the rubberbands came off one at a time with tweezors, scissors, fingernail clippers, and needle nose pliers. And then with two pair of heavy duty work gloves on, I strattled her back and pried her mouth open and grabbed the piece of barbwire out of her mouth. It was about 4 or 5 inches once stretched out. She bled out the two holes on the right side of her jaw for a long time, and I just knew I had really done some damage and probably made a huge mistake.

Slowly, she got to where she would approach me, let me touch her, only when she was facing me head on. I just stayed patient. And after weeks, finally, she would look happy to see me when I came around. Her ears started to stand up. I had always seen them laying straight down on the sides of her head, like she was so frightened or getting ready to be beaten.

She weighed 32 pounds when I finally got a weight on her. It took almost a year, but she finally walked into my house. It was just natural with her and the twins. She just seemed to automatically know they were children and shouldn’t be harmed. I had a close friend that worked at the Colorado State University Veterinary Teaching Hospital and she came over, brought a rabies injection, and we tackled her and got a blood sample. My friend told me right then, that Zoe was a Red Healer dog. No doubt about it, if she was at the correct weight, you would be able to see it for sure. She was a herder.

Zoe is now living in Georgia, is at a happy 74 (overweight) pounds, and herds everything that gets in her way. It’s the most amazing thing to watch. She’s transformed from being untame, abused, and almost dead to the most loyal, protective animal I have ever known. She’s by my side constantly, and she herds me constantly, and anything else she can around the house.

Zoe is the best thing I brought away from Colorado.

Today's Thought's

“Laurie” juicing EVERYTHING she can get her hands on for she and I to guzzle.

I miss you, Laurie. I’ve thought a lot about you today. I never thought speaking up for you would

 rip us apart like this. I was defending you. I’m not sorry. I love you and miss you very much.

Sporadic Vulnerability

This happened to me today ~~~> I made myself vulnerable out of the blue. I put myself right in the line of fire. Before I realized what I was doing, I was opening up a part of myself, my past, and allowing it to be exposed out in the open with just a few simple words.

There’s good, bad, ugly, beautiful, horrific, and just plain average things about my past. Some I can bring myself to face, lay out for the world to see and hope they take something away from it, but this one small piece of information…it’s different. Usually, when it’s brought out in the open, questions start firing at me from all angles. It’s caused me more pain that anything I could ever imagine. It’s caused me to end friendships and long time relationships due to feeling I was being “used” just to get closer and more indepth with/to this small piece of information.

Why did I let this happen? I pick and choose what I can put out there. And I have to lay it out on my own time frame. It’s like slaying a dragon… I know when the job is done and when it’s dead and ok for me to step ahead and be at peace with it. But today, it was completely sporadic. I let it slip. We’ll see how that ends up. It scares me.

Side note: To you long time friends out there that follow me, on here and other places, that know exactly who and what I’m talking about. You’re still in my life for a reason. (Scott..especially you).. you know when those certain times are hard and I need help to “deal”. And you know how to help me deal. I appreciate all of you never bringing “him” up to me unless I lead the way. I <3 you guys.